Why does rest sometimes make you feel guilty?

I've been thinking about this recently because I hear versions of it so often from women I speak to.

They tell me they're exhausted. They can't switch off. They feel as though they've been running on empty for months, sometimes years. And yet when they finally get a bit of time to themselves, they don't necessarily enjoy it. Instead, they feel unsettled.

There's a strange sense that they should be doing something.

Perhaps you recognise it too.

You sit down with a cup of tea and within a few minutes your mind starts wandering elsewhere. You remember an email you've not replied to. You think about the washing. You start planning tomorrow or wondering whether everyone else is alright. Before long, you've found something to do and the moment of rest has quietly disappeared.

I don't think it's because women don't want rest. Quite the opposite. I think many desperately need it. The difficulty is that so many of us have become incredibly practised at being useful.

We become the person who remembers things, organises things and thinks ahead. We notice what other people need. We hold family life together, keep things moving at work and often carry a great deal mentally and emotionally that nobody else really sees.

After a while, always doing can begin to feel normal.

Stopping can feel far less familiar.

I also think many women have unconsciously absorbed certain messages over the years:

• I should be able to keep going.

• Everyone else comes first.

• I'll rest once everything is done.

• Taking time for myself is indulgent.

The trouble is that life rarely reaches a point where everything is done. There is usually another job, another responsibility or another person who needs something from you.

So rest gets pushed further and further away.

What I notice is that women often end up feeling tired in a way that sleep doesn't seem to touch. It's not simply physical exhaustion. It's the tiredness that comes from constantly carrying things in your head. The planning, the thinking, the remembering, the emotional labour of being the capable one.

That's a heavy thing to carry day after day.

And perhaps this is why rest can sometimes feel uncomfortable. Because when you stop, you finally have a moment to notice yourself. You notice how tired you are. You notice how long you've been holding everything together. You notice that you've been giving a lot of yourself away.

That's not always an easy thing to sit with.

But I wonder if we need to look at rest differently.

Perhaps rest isn't something that has to be earned once you've reached exhaustion. Perhaps it's one of the ways we stop ourselves getting there in the first place.

Perhaps needing rest isn't a sign that you're failing to cope.

Perhaps it's simply a sign that you've been carrying a lot for a very long time.

If this felt familiar, please know you're not the only one.

And maybe this is simply your reminder that you deserve moments of pause, not because you've done enough or because everything is finally finished, but because you're human.

Jx